The following piece was written by Tom Tolbert of NYU and published as a topic in a Facebook group. It is a satirical piece which addresses discrimination against homosexuals by Christians and creates a hypothetical situation where Christians are subjected to the same arguments and restrictions many currently support.


"MAY 20TH, 2007 Delegates in Astornia vote today on the legality of public Christian practices. Christianity has been at odds with some of the dogmas of Astornia's most popular religion, Xism, for the whole of recorded history. In the country's nearly 250 years, Christians have faced heavy persecution and discrimination. Those that practiced the religion publicly did so at risk of harassment, abuse, assault, mutilation, and even death. In the past decades, Astornia's widespread liberalization has encouraged many formerly reserved Christians to publicly declare their faith, a declaration popularly referred to as "rising up."

Sean MacEntyre is the leader of the Christian movement in Astornia. "I rose up in '84," recalls MacEntyre, "and that seems like a lifetime ago, but many Christians are still in the basement. We need to encourage widespread rising up, because Christianity is really nothing to be ashamed of." MacEntyre has lobbied extensively in Astornia's Congress for equal rights for Christians. "We've been discriminated against for centuries in this country. We are now allowed to practice our religion in the privacy of our own homes, and that's an improvement, but they still won't let us build churches and congregate, or preach. We're restricted from public practice of our faith."

On the other side of the issue that has divided Astornia between its two parties in the last 10 years, is Xist preacher Alfred Xavier. "We're not discriminating," argues Xavier, "They [the Christians] have the same rights as everyone else: You can practice Christianity in the privacy of your own home, just like anybody else. But you can't practice it publicly. That's fair. You can practice your religion as long as we don't have to know about it. I don't understand why they think they don't have equal rights. No one in this country is allowed to publicly practice Christianity, not Xists and not Christians. We set the same standards for everyone."

MacEntyre has said that "this reasoning is absurd. They are denying our religious freedom. They are making the same irrational arguments they've been making for the last 5000 years, supporting it all with a single phrase from their book. How can they make laws based on their scripture?" The verse MacEntyre refers to is Chapter 6: Verse 9 of the Book of Xism, which reads "The xins of this world are plentiful. Drive them from you and your kin. Be not accepting of those that maketh the darkness, those of the tablet, and those of the cross."

A "xin" is any practice or action deemed "evil" by the Book of Xism. "The Book of Xism is the devine word of our Lord Xod," explains Xavier, "For the sake of a moral society, we must follow the word of Xod, and since Xod has told us that the practice of Christianity is a xin, we must take caution to block it from society. It is not that we are Christanophobic; we are merely doing what is in the best interests of Xists, Christians, and society as a whole."

Some liberal Xism historians question the validity of the translation of 6:9, Book of Xism. University of Astornia professors have pointed out that no one puts any emphasis on the phrase "those of the tablet" as it is entirely unclear what this means, and if, as many argue, it means "those that write," it is unpractical to try to prohibit writing. Professor Lawrence Berg has said "Even the translation to 'those of the cross' is questionable. The original manuscript was written in Xlan, and the word commonly translated to 'cross,' *frundi*, is more correctly translated to 'stool.' Besides, even if the translation is correct, 'those of the cross' does not necessarily mean 'Christians.' Even the word 'Xod' has a cross shape."

Xist leaders like Xavier dismiss this liberal analysis. "The greater context of the Book of Xism quite clearly defines the practice of Christianity as a xin."

MacEntyre has tried to argue that the position of Fundamentalist Xists is hypocritical. "If we [Christians] had been in the majority, and the Bible had prohibited Xism, the Xists would complain that their religious freedom was being denied if we passed laws against it."

To MacEntyre's frustration, Xist leaders dismiss this argument as merely hypothetical. "That's not the way it is," says Xavier, "We are the majority, and we know that the Book of Xism is the word of Xod, thus we are not concerned with MacEntyre's irrelevant hypotheticals. We are concerned about the moral fabric of our society."

"I don't understand it, I really don't," says MacEntyre, "We're doing nothing to harm them. It's not like if we start publicly practicing Christianity it will infringe upon their ability to practice Xism. Why can't we build our churches and preach? They're just a bunch of Christanophobes."

Xavier responds: "We are not Christanophobes. It is up to us to protect our society from immoral practices, and if that means we must pass laws against the building of Christian churches, so be it. We don't want to put Xism in a bad light, however. We Xists are a Xod fearing people, but we are a faith of love. We love Christians, but only discourage Christianity for the sake of their own salvation. Love the xinner, hate the xin."

Predictions for the outcome of the vote in Astornia's Congress are mixed. "Whether or not we win today," MacEntyre remarks, "we are assured to gain freedom in the future. The bigots that influence our society will not be around forever. Someday, we'll be able to practice our religion freely, without having to worry about the Christanophobes that so irrationally think they are discouraging us 'for our own good.'" "

B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T.